Sunday: Burger structural integrity

Lunch today was Teddy's again, for a reason listed later.

Also cheese fries.

Today was the "Nom Nom Burger," which was scribbled on the whiteboard sign at the counter, making me think it was just something they came up with when they opened.  Anyway, bacon, sauteed onions, garlic, swiss cheese, plus the usual veggies (no Teddy sauce, as that just makes the burgers messier).

I eventually had to ditch the veggies, as the burger was too messy with them included.  This led me to thinking about how burgers are built.  Teddy's does the same thing as a lot of places, putting toppings under the cheese.  I don't think this ever works, as the moisture from those toppings has no place to go, so you get a layer with effectively no friction, so it slides apart.  Similarly, tomatoes are slippery as well, so they seem to cause the burger to slide apart.

So what's the solution?  I think the only way to do this is to use both buns as moisture traps.  For this burger, I should have moved the tomato and lettuce to the bottom of the burger, where they'd cause less trouble.  Although, thinking about it, I think lettuce probably needs to be banned entirely from burgers.  It's non-permeable to grease, so you're never going to put it in there without a loss of integrity.  "But we could shred the lettuce!" you say? No. Shredded lettuce is a terrible idea.

Ok, so bottom bun, tomato.  I think the bacon should probably be next, as then you get a blt-style going on, plus the salt from the bacon enhances the tomato flavor.  Then the burger, followed immediately by the cheese.  Cheese is also not permeable, but since it's on top of the burger, the burger grease should go down, and the hot-topping grease should soak up in to the bun.  Therefore, on top of the cheese can be the sauteed onions, or garlic, or mushrooms, or whatever.

I'm not a big fan of condiments on burgers, but I think they'd probably go best on the top bun.  They should mix in with the hot topping grease, so it would require being a bit spare with them in any case.  Or, you can do what I prefer, and have ketchup or whatever on the side for dipping.

This was the image that made me want a burger for lunch.  Note the placement of veggies on the bottom.  I'm a bit concerned about that onion in the middle, but as long as it isn't a continuous layer of onion, the cheese should hold it together.  Thousand island is gross, however.

I'm pretty sure this is squirrel for "fuck you and your stupid birds."

My cheese is never this exciting.

• I already wanted hot dogs, and now I want cheesy bacon hot dogs.
• Well, that's a bit sad.
• Yeah, pretty much.  Old people do seem to pretty much be the problem with the current political situation.