Friday: Today was the last day of Murder Team Five

This was the Mission to Kill (Hissatsu Shigotonin) 2009 series, and it's done now.  I've set up the DVR to re-record the Tuesday rerun episodes, so I can archive it.  There's a special double next week, and that's unfortunately the last time Old Murder Cop appears.

So what happens to the Murder Team?

Last week, there was a new gang of assassins, and they were killing a bunch of people, and claiming that they were the real Murder Team.  They had more than five members, so they clearly couldn't be the right ones.  Anyway, they stabbed a bunch of people, and generally caused trouble and caused a lot of people to be looking for assassins.

Plus, Murder Cop had to take part in his friend's seppuku, because he's a good friend, even though he didn't understand what his friend had done.  Nobody did, and I couldn't clearly figure out how it connected to the rest of the story, but I sometimes don't pay attention too closely.

In any case, MT5 goes to murder up some people, but it all goes wrong when Murder Woman has to escape, so Murder Dude is forced to switch from his heart stabby needle to a sword to fight off a bunch of bad guys.  It doesn't work, and he's totally captured, and the episode ended with the rest of the team looking concerned.

This week, the bad guys are obviously torturing MD, because that's what bad guys do.  Although, if we're being honest, the cops totally tortured an innocent dude a half dozen episodes ago, so it's like a really bad hobby that people had.  Anyway, it turns out that a newspaper guy is behind a bunch of stuff, so he could write stories and sell papers.  Except they're more like flyers than real newspapers, and I'm not sure I actually saw his people selling them.

But he's a bad guy, and he does something with newspaper like things.  That's all you need to know.  Also that he's friends with the "Chief Councillor," which is a big fancy job of some sort.

The bad guys have the people they'd abducted for being assassins identify MD, and they use that information to ransack his house and kidnap his girlfriend.  Except:

1. Those abducted people disappear after this scene.  They had so much murder to get through this week, they just off-screen murdered like a dozen people to make room.
2. She's not like a girlfriend-girlfriend, she's just this girl that lives at his house and they're friends.  She calls him "older brother," so maybe she's somebody they rescued before I started watching the show?  This is why I'm DVRing the reruns.  

Back to the story.  They've captured MD, kidnapped his girlfriend, off-screen murdered the extras, so it's obviously going to be kick ass rescue time, right?

First, CC summons the wife of the guy who had to kill himself last week, and offers her a pile of money to never tell anybody what her husband told her.  She's all "whatever, he never told me anything, and I'm insulted that you'd throw money at me like this, and I'm going to go live in a temple, because you made my husband kill himself.  Oh, BTW, any chance you'd be willing to tell me why you woke up one day and decided that you were going to ruin my life?"  Nope.  CC is a jerk.  She leaves, and a guy walks up and stabs her.  She's all "WTF, I didn't even fucking know anything, and I get murdered here?  This is bullshit, but this town has that sacred shrine where you can hire magical murders to avenge the fuck out of things, and I'm going to get in on that action before I die of this really bad stab wound that would have insta-killed pretty much any other character ever, and you know what?  I'm going to make sure I take so long that it goes from fucking noon to fucking night by the time I get to the shrine.  Because fuck your sword and your stab wound, I'm fucking hardcore."

Seriously, it goes from day to night, and the assassin stabbed her good.  She's fucking hardcore.

MW is there, because that's her job, and is about to be all, "we'll murder those fuckers.  We'll murder them good," when MC steps out.  The Widow Hardcore is like, "huh, you were my husband's friend, and he never told me you were one of the revenge assassins."  It's all touching, and he's sad that she's dying, but they still take the time to collect all the coins she scatters around, but that's just business.

Now we can do a kick ass rescue.

The team all prepares, and they do special "this is the last mission because we're all going to die" preparations.  The get to the castle, when it's suddenly attacked by the other assassin team, who are all wearing masks, because when you're not a professional Murder Team, you need to make sure people don't see your faces.  In any case, they seem to be out to murder the newspaper guy too.  For reasons.  The bad guy plots are often confusing.  The MT5 plans are simple:

1. Know somebody.
2. Watch them get killed.
3. Get paid to avenge them.
4. Murder everyone.

Anyway, fight, fight, fight.  One of the assassins taunts MC, who's pretty much just walking through bad guys like he's cutting grass, but new bad guys show up and the assassin get sliced and his mask falls off.  It's MC's patrol buddy!  He's been showing for ages being all "I'm basically like Barney Fife, but in an Edo-period magistrate officer guise," so I assumed he was just there so MC could make suspicious faces behind someone's back.  Nope.  He's been building up to this, where he tells MC that he just wanted to actually help people for once, because the cops never seem to catch bad guys, but MT5 makes sure they end up stabbed, and he really wanted to get in on the stabbing action.

Except he's bad at it, because now he's dead.  "You should have stayed a cop," MC says.

MC strolls through the castle, raining slashy slashy murder on everyone in his way, because it's the final episode, he's the main character, and there's really nothing stopping him.  Literally.  No one can possible stop him.

The rest of the team does the murders they need to:  OMC kills the dude from last week that survived and New Young Murder Dude kills the newspaper guy with a series of great taunts.  Also his impractical thread and needle strangling technique.  He's a tailor.  It's what he does (I don't think I've mentioned this before).

MC walks down to the basement where they've been torturing MD, and decides he's had enough murder for today, so he stabs the torturer through his stomach, pinning him to the wall.  Yep.  He then releases MD, and gives him his murder needle.  MD is kind of messed up, but he stumbles over to the torture dude, and does his thing.  He also gets a great taunt with, "wait for me in hell, so I can kill you there again."  MD is wonderful.

So everything's great and happy, right?

Nope, MC was kidding earlier when he was all out of murder.  He puts on the assassin mask his buddy had, and walks out to greet CC's palanquin. CC tells his guards it's not a big deal, and opens the door to greet who he thinks is one of the assassins, because I guess he'd ordered them to kill the rest of the crew?  Or so they'd get killed by the rest of the crew?  Maybe so both would end up all dead?  I really don't understand the bad guy plot this week.  CC says, "so the job's done?"

Crap.  OMC had a great pun taunt!  The guy he's supposed to kill thinks he's in the way, because he introduces himself as a cop.  "We didn't call the cops! Go away!"  OMC walks up, and is like, "sure, as soon as I do my job."  The bad guy pauses, his eyes go wide, and then OMC stabs him.  Luckily, the subtitles point out that he says "as soon as I do my shigoto," which is 仕事, "work", but also the first two characters of 仕事人, which is what they've been calling the assassins this week and last.  See?  Great pun.

But yeah, CC thinks everything's fine, MC pulls out his sword, murders all the guards, because fuck them for being there, and then kills CC.  My notes claim that MC then says, "Fuck you right in your fat ugly face, you're dead now.  Dick."  I suspect I may have exaggerated.

Now they do the great and happy endings, except MD is leaving with his girlfriend.  Probably for the best since somebody who saw him get captured might have escaped murder.  New-YMD's tailor shop is super busy, and his pet bird comes back, so that's nice.  MW goes to visit old-YMD's grave, so he gets a flashback.  MC brings OMC to his house, and we find out that OMC has a wife.  Who we haven't ever seen, I don't think, because I honestly thought he lived by himself in that police house.

Wink! from MC.

And it's over.

Until the special in a few weeks.

And I found that there's a tumblr tag.  Except that seems to be mostly just "YMD is super cute!"


On not MT5 related news, I found this in the big encyclopedia of mythology that I have.  It's like the "tl;dr myths" in book form.  I've blurred out the unrelated stuff, and the story that the authors thought was most important.  I disagree.  I want to know more about Arjuna and Krishna's Grand Adventure to Help Agni Get His Power Back Through Arson.

It's from the other myth, but: "Toot toot, motherfuckers!  We've got a forest to burn down!"

• Ok, Murder Dude's actor Matsuoka Masahiro is in a band and he plays drums.  That explains where he learned to do the fancy twirl thing he did with his murder needle.
• This made me laugh so hard I had to put my laptop down and remember how breathing worked.  It nearly happened again when I went to get the link.
• This is what I said yesterday.
• Skeleton teaches manners.
• Sure, everyone's heard the joke, and yes, it's been done, but this time it's live action with special effects.
• I saw this comic yesterday, but it didn't have any reference to the author, so I assumed I could just wait and it would appear in a popular internet source with all the information in the next few days.  It did.

This story is just hilarious: Niobe.

Niobe (skip to the end for the TL;DR version, or here for all of Ovid):


All Lydia is in an uproar, and the rumor of the fact goes through the town of Phrygia, and fills the wide world with discourse {thereon}. Before her own marriage Niobe had known her, at the time, when still single, she was inhabiting Mæonia and Sipylus. And yet by the punishment of her countrywoman, Arachne, she was not warned to yield to the inhabitants of Heaven, and to use less boastful words. Many things augmented her pride; but yet, neither the skill of her husband, nor the descent of them both, nor the sovereignty of a mighty kingdom, pleased her so much (although all of them did please her) as her own progeny; and Niobe might have been pronounced the happiest of mothers, if she had not so seemed to herself.

For Manto, the daughter of Tiresias, foreknowing the future, urged by a divine impulse, had proclaimed through the middle of the streets, “Ye women of Ismenus, go all of you, and give to Latona, and the two
children of Latona, the pious frankincense, together with prayers, and wreathe your hair with laurel; by my mouth does Latona command {this}.” Obedience is paid; and all the Theban women adorn their temples with leaves {of laurel}, as commanded, and offer frankincense on the sacred fires, and words of supplication. Lo! Niobe comes, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, conspicuous for the gold interwoven in her Phrygian garments, and beautiful, so far as anger will allow; and tossing her hair, hanging down on both shoulders, with her graceful head, she stands still; and as she loftily casts around her haughty eyes, she says, “What madness is this to prefer the inhabitants of Heaven, that you have {only} heard of, to those who are seen? or why is Latona worshipped at the altars, {and} my Godhead is still without its {due} frankincense? Tantalus was my father, who alone was allowed to approach the tables of the Gods above. The sister of the Pleiades is my mother; the most mighty Atlas is my grandsire, who bears the æthereal skies upon his neck. Jupiter is my other grandsire; of him, too, I boast as my father-in-law. The Phrygian nations dread me; the palace of Cadmus is subject to me as its mistress; and the walls that were formed by the strings of my husband’s {lyre}, together with their people, are governed by me and my husband; to whatever part of the house I turn my eyes, immense wealth is seen. To this is added a face worthy of a Goddess. Add to this my seven daughters, and as many sons, and, at a future day, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law. Now inquire what ground my pride has {for its existence}; and presume to prefer Latona the Titaness, the daughter of some obscure Cæus, to whom, when in travail, the great earth once refused a little spot, to myself. Neither by heaven, nor by earth, nor by water, was your Goddess received; she was banished the world, till Delos, pitying the wanderer, said, “Thou dost roam a stranger on the land, I in the waves;” and gave her an unstable place {of rest}. She was made the mother of two children, that is {but} the seventh part of my issue. I am fortunate, and who shall deny it? and fortunate I shall remain; who, too, can doubt of that? Plenty has made me secure; I am too great for Fortune possibly to hurt; and, though she should take away many things from me, {even then} much more will she leave me: my {many} blessings have now risen superior to apprehensions. Suppose it possible for some part of this multitude of my children to be taken away {from me}; still, thus stripped, I shall not be reduced to two, the number of Latona; an amount, by the number of which, how far, {I pray}, is she removed from one that is childless? Go from the sacrifice; hasten away from the sacrifice, and remove the laurel from your hair!”

They remove it, and the sacrifice they leave unperformed; and what they can do, they adore the Divinity in gentle murmurs. The Goddess was indignant; and on the highest top of {Mount} Cynthus, she spoke to her two children in such words as these: “Behold! I, your mother, proud of having borne you, and who shall yield to no one of the Goddesses, except to Juno {alone}, am called in question whether I am a Goddess, and, for all future ages, I am driven from the altars devoted {to me}, unless you give me aid. Nor is this my only grief; the daughter of Tantalus has added abusive language to her shocking deeds, and has dared to postpone you to her own children, and (what {I wish} may fall upon herself), she has called me childless; and the profane {wretch} has discovered a tongue like her father’s.” To this relation Latona was going to add entreaties, when Phœbus said, “Cease thy complaints, ’tis prolonging the delay of her punishment.” Phœbe said the same; and, by a speedy descent through the air, they arrived, covered with clouds, at the citadel of Cadmus.

There was near the walls a plain, level, and extending far and wide, trampled continually by horses, where multitudes of wheels and hard hoofs had softened the clods placed beneath them. There, part of the seven sons of Amphion are mounting upon their spirited steeds, and press their backs, red with the Tyrian dye, and wield the reins heavy with gold; of these, Ismenus, who had formerly been the first burden of his mother, while he is guiding the steps of the horses in a perfect circle, and is curbing their foaming mouths, cries aloud, “Ah, wretched me!” and, pierced through the middle of his breast, bears a dart {therein}; and the reins dropping from his dying hand, by degrees he falls on his side, over {the horse’s} shoulder. The next {to him}, Sipylus, on hearing the sound of a quiver in the air, gives rein {to his horse}; as when the pilot, sensible of the storm {approaching}, flies on seeing a cloud, and unfurls the hanging sails on every side, that the light breeze may by no means escape them. He gives rein, {I said}; while thus giving it, the unerring dart overtakes him, and an arrow sticks quivering in the top of his neck, and the bare steel protrudes from his throat. He, as he is bending forward, rolls over the neck, {now} let loose, and {over} the mane, and stains the ground with his warm blood. The unhappy Phædimus, and Tantalus, the heir to the name of his grandsire, when they had put an end to their wonted exercise {of riding}, had turned to the youthful exercises of the palæstra, glowing with oil; and now had they brought breast to breast, struggling in a close grapple, when an arrow, sped onward from the stretched bow, pierced them both, just as they were united together. At the same instant they groaned aloud, and together they laid their limbs on the ground, writhing with pain; together as they lay, for the last time, they rolled their eyeballs, and together they breathed forth their life.

Alphenor sees this, and, beating his torn breast, flies to them, to lift up their cold limbs in his embrace, and falls in this affectionate duty. For the Delian God pierces the inner part of his midriff with the fatal steel. Soon as it is pulled out, a part of his lungs is dragged forth on the barbs, and his blood is poured forth, with his life, into the air; but no single wound reaches the unshaven Damasicthon. He is struck where the leg commences, and where the sinewy ham makes the space between the joints soft; and while he is trying with his hand to draw out the fatal weapon, another arrow is driven through his neck, up to the feathers. The blood drives this out, and itself starting forth, springs up on high, and, piercing the air, spouts forth afar. The last {of them}, Ilioneus, had raised his unavailing arms in prayer, and had said, “O, all ye Gods, in common, (not knowing that all were not to be addressed) spare me!” The {God}, the bearer of the bow, was moved, when now his arrow could not be recalled; yet he died with the slightest wound {of all}, his heart not being struck deep by the arrow.

The report of this calamity, and the grief of the people, and the tears of her family, made the mother acquainted with a calamity so sudden, wondering that it could have happened, and enraged that the Gods above had dared this, {and} that they enjoyed a privilege so great. For Amphion the father, thrusting his sword through his breast, dying, had ended his grief together with his life. Alas! how different is this Niobe from that Niobe who had lately driven the people from the altars of Latona, and, with lofty head, had directed her steps through the midst of the city, envied by her own people, but now to be pitied even by an enemy! She falls down upon the cold bodies, and with no distinction she distributes her last kisses among all her sons. Raising her livid arms from these towards heaven, she says, “Glut thyself, cruel Latona, with my sorrow; glut thyself, and satiate thy breast with my mourning; satiate, too, thy relentless heart with seven deaths. I have received my death-blow; exult and triumph, my victorious enemy. But why victorious? More remains to me, in my misery, than to thee, in thy happiness. Even after so many deaths, I am the conqueror.” {Thus} she spoke; {when} the string twanged from the bent bow, which affrighted all but Niobe alone; she {became} bold by her misfortunes.

The sisters were standing in black array, with their hair dishevelled, before the biers of their brothers. One of these, drawing out the weapon sticking in her entrails, about to die, swooned away, with her face placed upon her brother. Another, endeavoring to console her wretched parent, was suddenly silent, and was doubled together with an invisible wound; and did not close her mouth, until after the breath had departed. Another, vainly flying, falls down; another dies upon her sister; another lies hid; another you might see trembling. And {now} six being put to death, and having received different wounds, the last {only} remains; her mother covering her with all her body, {and} with all her garments, cries, “Leave me but one, and that the youngest; the youngest only do I ask out of so many, and {that but} one.” And while she was entreating, she, for whom she was entreating, was slain. Childless, she sat down among her dead sons and daughters and husband, and became hardened by her woes. The breeze moves no hair {of hers}; in her features is a color without blood; her eyes stand unmoved in her sad cheeks; in her form there is no {appearance} of life. Her tongue itself, too, congeals within, together with her hardened palate, and the veins cease to be able to be moved. Her neck can neither be bent, nor can her arms give any motion, nor her feet move. Within her entrails, too, it is stone.

Still did she weep on; and, enveloped in a hurricane of mighty wind, she was borne away to her native land. There, fixed on the top of a mountain, she dissolves; and even yet does the marble distil tears.

TL:DR:

Niobe: Why are all you dirty poor people celebrating Leto? She only has two kids, and I have fourteen. I'm like a TLC show.

Poor people: Oh, um, sorry?

Leto: [overhearing] You absolute bitch.  Hey kids!

The kids: Yeah?

Leto: Go fuck her shit up.

The kids: Sure. [Her son, who is totally Apollo (yes, that Apollo) shoots and kills all seven of Niobe's sons. Her daughter, who is totally Artemis (yes, that Artemis) shoots and kills all seven of Niobe's daughters.]

Poor people: Looks like we're celebrating her because her kids will straight up murder us.

Niobe: [turns into a rock]