Agents of Shield: The show where no one does the smart thing and shoot the bad guy so he stays dead.

Bad guys: "Let's send a bunch of baddies to Planet Blue to recruit Ancient Evil Dude!  We'll send this kidnapped good guy!"
Good guys: "Fuck that!  Let's send our leader to crash the Planet Blue mission.  By himself.  For funsies!"

Jerk Ass Badguy: "I'm a bully!  Look at me bully you!  LOL!"
Kidnapped good guy: "Hey, I found the astronaut dude who's been living on Planet Blue."
Sandstorm: "I am a natural event, or maybe magical.  Whatever.  I shouldn't be talking, is the point here."
Astronaut dude: "Let's get stabby on the baddies!  Does that rhyme?"
Kidnapped good guy: "Not really, but sure, let's stab a couple and then run away to the portal home."

Unnamed bad guys: "Huh.  Well that got fucked up pretty quick.  Oh, wait, we shouldn't be talking now because we're dead."
Leader good guy: "Because I shot them.  Now I'm going to make you walk with me, Jerk Ass Badguy."
Jerk Ass Badguy: "Blah blah blah blah blah.  Pseudo religious bullshit."
Leader good guy: "Blammo.  That's not me talking, I just shot you, non-fatally, because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

Astronaut dude: "Cool, portal.  Let's get out of here.  Also, let me mention details that I probably shouldn't know."
Kidnapped good guy: "You're not really Astronaut dude, are you."
Astronaut dude: "Nope.  What tipped you off?"
Kidnapped good guy: "Well, you're kind of missing like, a pretty big chunk of your leg.  So...Ancient Evil Dude?"
Ancient Evil Dude: "Yep.  I'm going to fight you."
Leader good guy: "Blammo.  Again, not me talking.  This time I shot the Ancient Evil Dude."

Jerk Ass Badguy: "Even I'm confused why you haven't shot me yet.  Like, there's your buddy.  How do you need me around still?"
Leader good guy: "Shut up and fight me!"

Ancient Evil Dude: "Ok, guns hurt, right, but I'm going to keep walking towards the portal."
Kidnapped good guy: "So I can't kill you with this gun?"
Ancient Evil Dude: "No, not really."
Kidnapped good guy: "Even a flare gun?"
Ancient Evil Dude: "Huh.  No, I'm actually pretty vulnerable to burning up completely.  That sucks."

Leader good guy: "I'm going to slowly crush your ribcage, Jerk Ass Badguy, because that's my best plan.  I could just leave you here to die, but no.  I'm going to kill you now, when it's really not convenient."
Jerk Ass Badguy: "Crunch."
Good guys: "Yay!  We all made it home, except for Astronaut dude, but he died like months ago, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯."

Me: "Well, at least they killed that fucker."

Old Man Badguy Leader: "Crap.  Well, time to catch a plane home.  Why didn't the good guys stay around to blow up any cars leaving the scene of that stuff?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Good for me, though."
Chauffeur: "I don't really say this, but me explaining that there's a guy standing in the road blocking the car is probably the easiest way for this recap to work."
Old Man Badguy Leader: "Evil smile time."
Guy Standing in the Road: "I'm actually Zombie Jerk Ass Badguy, and Ancient Evil Dude, because Ancient Evil Dude is really just like a slug or something, and before he/I burned up completely, I/he puked it up.  As you do with zombie slugs."

Me: "FFS.  I wish TV and movie sides of this thing cooperated so this show would make more sense in the context of the larger world."