Saturday: Returning home?

This is mostly just all the crap I ate this day. First up: breakfast pizza from Mangia's at Austin Airport.

It's "breakfast" because I'm eating it in the morning.

I wanted to get Cinnabon in Denver, but they don't have Cinnabon there. How an airport can exist without a Cinnabon, I don't know. Instead, I had to get a knockoff from the Sara Lee coffee shop (yes, Sara Lee. Coffee. Denver is a crazy airport.)

This did give me a chance to make a T.J. Hooker joke on twitter.

 I mean, look at this:

That's a sad looking "cinnamon roll." Where's the gooey? Where's the transparent bottom of the box due to buttery goodness?

Anyway, Denver was followed by a flight to Phoenix, which isn't a very well planned airport. In order to transfer from United to USAir, you have to leave security, get on a bus, go through baggage check to the check-in area, and then back through security.  I've had to do this at LAX, and it's one of the reasons why LAX is my least favorite airport ever. It's dumb. Given all the bullshit they do "for security," it's kind of just a big waste of time.  I don't recall having to opt out here, so I think I just went through the regular metal detector.  Great consistency, TSA.

While I'm thinking about it: One in four travelers smuggle liquids through TSA checkpoints. Yes. Yes we do. I didn't bother mentioning that I had a tube of cream in my bags. I didn't mention it any of the five times I went through security on this trip.  No one said anything, and clearly didn't find it.  Does this mean that we're expecting future terrorists to politely inform the TSA agents that they have bombs and poisons? That seems really likely, doesn't it?

Also, if I have opt out of the radiation box in HNL and PHX, but not at AUS, why would I be a terrorist flying out of HNL or PHX?  I'd just choose an airport that doesn't use those expensive pieces of shit.  Boom, either I'm some sort of genius terrorist mastermind, or the TSA is run by people dumber than the moron who designed PHX.

Ok, rant over, back to the trip.  I boarded the plane to HNL in PHX, and it looked like it'd be a decent enough flight.  Even though I didn't have a great window:

There weren't very many people on the plane at all:

I counted nine people in the thirty seats around me, making this one of the most empty flights I've ever been on.  I guess tourism to Hawaii really is down.

Unfortunately, about a half hour into the flight, the captain came on and mentioned that of the six fuel pumps they have on the plane, only five were operational.  Since "having fuel where you want it" is kind of an essential part of "not crashing," we turned around and returned to PHX.  I kind of got the "they're taking us back to Germany" feeling (sorry, I couldn't find a youtube clip), but there wasn't much to do.  We returned to the gate, and despite the assurances that they had a plane right there ready to go, and we'd just have to wait a minute to reboard that, I went to get lunch:

Quiznos is my airport savior, it seems.  In any case, an hour later, they told us that due to pilot regulations, the crew we'd started with didn't have enough time left for the day to make the trip to Hawaii, and so they'd have to find a different crew to drive.  Ok. This is turning into a mess, isn't it?  They did try to appease everyone with bottled water and snacks:

Granola bar, raisins, shortbread cookie, three crackers, and cheese spread.

This wasn't really a meal, so I was glad that I was the first person to have gotten Quiznos (the line was crazy at this point).  They kept speaking quieter and quieter, and so when the next announcement came on, I got up to listen closer.  They'd found a pilot, but despite PHX being USAir's hub, they couldn't come up with a first officer. WTF? In any case, they were cancelling the flight, and would be rebooking people and providing hotel arrangements at gate 11 and 13.  I looked to my right, and realized that I was standing right in front of gate 13.

To use the meme.

The girl at the counter (Maria S.) fought with her computer, and said that my new flight would be the next day, PHX-OGG, and that once I arrived in Maui, I would have to find a United agent who would give me my boarding pass for my flight from OGG-HNL.  Since I figured that Maui is closer to home than Arizona, I agreed, and picked up my food voucher and hotel voucher.

I will not say much more about PHX other than the fact that at this point, I needed to get my luggage, and then escape from the baggage claim area. For some reason, the idiot who thought that taking buses between terminals was a great idea enclosed the baggage claim area in a fence that has two small exits.  There's no security there, so it's not like it's to keep people from stealing unclaimed bags. I think it's just to annoy people.

Hotel shuttle to the Hilton: Airport, easy check in with hotel voucher, stretch out and relax for a bit after a day stuck in planes and airports.  "Hey, let's go get dinner!"

I go down, and sit down at the restaurant.  I get a drink, and then have an ample forty minutes to browse the menu:

So yeah, that breaks down to ten minutes a page.  The selection was pretty crappy, and when someone finally came over to ask if I was ready to order (I did my best to not rip her head off and shout something like, "I'M NOT READY YET! I HAVEN'T COMMITTED THE MENU TO MEMORY!"), I ordered something I thought would be simple:

Chicken fingers. Not terrible, but despite the menu claiming it came with bbq or honey mustard, it came with ranch. No one likes ranch, it's a terrible flavor. Why would you put that on chicken fingers? Also steak fries. Guess what? Those are always soggy. They're ok when they're under something that drips juices onto them, so the soggy isn't a problem. Like, say, a steak.  I asked the girl when she returned if I could get the bbq sauce, and then continued eating, with the bbq sauce finally arriving as I was starting the final finger.  The sauce was cold, like it'd just come out of the fridge, further illustrating that no one at this restaurant had any clue how to do anything.  I guess I shouldn't complain, since it was free (well, mostly, as stingy Mr USAir only provides a $10 food voucher when they fuck shit up), but I really just wanted something fast and easy to eat so I could get back to my room and relax.  I didn't want to sit and wait for someone to remember to take my order.  I don't remember the last time that I left no tip, but this is now the most recent occasion.

I figured that things couldn't get worse.