Turtle Bay Resort

Visited this with the parents as part of the North Shore Tour (the North Shore is crap if you don't surf). It's kind of like a safe, family-friendly, boring version of what a vacation hotel should be. I hate Waikiki, but that's because I hate people. It totally offers a far better atmosphere of drunken excess and commercialism that I believe people prefer in their vacation experience.

Tl;dr: Turtle Bay is like the Republican version of Hawaii.

In any case, we were only there for lunch, and lunch is something I'm generally willing to do anywhere, with anyone.

My choice was the "slider trio." Yes, sliders are totally played out, and yes, it's clear that the chef in charge of the restaurant (Ola @ Turtle Bay Resort) hasn't gotten that message yet. Still, given that I'm unlikely to visit more than once (maybe twice. If I was up on the NS again, it's probably the best place to do lunch), I figured it was the best way to sample the selection. The sliders are (color from menu):

1. "Kalua Pork: Oven Roasted and Smoked with a Guava Barbeque Sauce and Grilled Maui Onions." Other than my own pulled pork, this may be the best fucking pork sandwich I've ever had. This is delicious, and definitely something I'd recommend.
2. "North Shore Burger with Herb Cream Cheese (made from North Shore Cattle Company All-Natural Beef)." I would have liked to get the "Onions & Mushrooms" the standard version of this gets, but instead I got a slice of (probably) plum tomato (based on the size). I prefer cheese on my burgers, but this didn't need it. The flavor of the meat was remarkable. The tomato was ripe and fresh, and the herb cream cheese offered a nice counterpoint. The meat was a touch small for the bun (probably an ounce or so, pre-cooked, which works to be about a 1-inch diameter by 0.25 inch patty after cooking), which is another reason that "sliders" are terrible ideas to begin with. Why can't we just make cuts off of larger sandwiches (A: because that'd be prohibitively expensive for the restaurant)?
3. "Soft Shell Crap with Wasabi Soy Aioli." Um. Oh. Ok. Slight review change. I thought this had the lemongrass herb oil, but that was the grilled baby octopus entree I was thinking of having. Well, in any case, the problems with this one were:

• The crab was clearly over fried. As we've heard a thousand times from Alton Brown, Julia Child, The Pope: frying doesn't make something greasy, as long as the water in the thing you're frying is being extracted. Only after the water is gone is it replaced with the oil from the fryer. This crab was dry and greasy. That kind of ruins the fun of eating something that looks exactly like it did when it was running around.
• There was nothing to fix this in the sauce. "Wasabi Soy Aioli" apparently means "Pile of bean sprouts and something that has so little flavor you think it's the lemongrass herb oil." I'm fine with the bean sprouts. It adds some texture that helps the sandwich. The sauce, however, is basically a failure. My initial thought was that a lemon/basil aioli would fix this. Both offer a sharp flavor that could fix some significant overcooking of the crab itself. A wasabi/soy aioli that actually had flavor could do so as well. The spice and saltiness would easily do the same thing. Again: the sauce failed the sandwich, making me glad that I had two other very tasty things to enjoy.

Fries were there as well (duh, USA), which had a nice coating of kosher salt, making them a bit saltier than most fries, but salty in a more flavorful way.

I guess my conclusion is: TBR: Ola does most things well, but maybe you should just try that grilled baby octopus if you get a chance, because "Crab Luau Cream"? How can that not be delicious?

PS: This was supposed to post tomorrow, blogger believes that tomorrow is today (proof against: no flying cars), I don't care, because it solves the problem of coming up with stuff tomorrow.