Saturday, March 28, 2009

Japan makes cat videos?

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Sunday, March 22, 2009

On Ewoks

This weekend Return of the Jedi has been on TV, and since it's my favorite of the Star Wars movies, I've been watching as much as possible. I know everyone claims that it's not as good as the previous ones, and the big complaint is the Ewoks, and how unrealistic it is that they can take down the Emperor's best troops. After watching it again, I've come to a conclusion: Ewoks are horrible monsters.

First, it's clear that they eat meat. Hell, they nearly ate half the main cast. Not only that, but from the trap they set that Chewbacca fell for, they apparently eat other carnivores. The trap was also set fairly high, and had a net strong enough to hold a Wookiee, 2 humans, and two droids. They're not hunting deer, they're hunting some sort of giant monster. So, not only are they carnivores, but they eat other carnivores, making them disturbingly high on the food chain.

Second, I don't think the Empire had any idea they were there, or if they did, what they were. They built like 70% of a freaking Death Star, so the Empire was on Endor for a long time. The Ewoks have probably been picking off scout patrols for a long time. The Empire knows there's something out there, because they keep losing men, but they're not going to believe survivors that blame it on cute little teddy bears. Having been there for so long, the Ewoks know where all the weak points are in the Stormtrooper armor, and know how to exploit them.

Finally, during the final battle, the Imperial officers rush out in fancy suits. That's no protection at all from the damn forest piranha, so they're probably all dead and half eaten within the first ten minutes of the battle. This means that the entire leadership structure breaks down almost immediately, leaving patrols of Stormtroopers with no idea what they're doing. They're expecting a proper stand up battle against the Rebellion, and they get horrible death monsters attacking them from behind and eating their friends. I don't care how well trained they are, that's going to freak them the fuck out. Panic sets in, they start shooting blindly, and the whole thing falls apart.

I'm also going to suggest that the Rebels get off of Endor first thing the morning after the end of Return of the Jedi. They know they're friends with the Ewoks, and part of the tribe, and that they have C-3P0 as the Ewok god, but on the other hand, they just spent the evening eating the rations they brought with them while politely declining roast Stormtrooper.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009